As we grow in our faith, we learn biblical truths and attributes of God, to which we cling by faith. However, there are times when that knowledge becomes a reality in us, this is what has happened to me with God’s Sovereignty.
This writing has been in the draft tray for more than 500 days, I have tried to finish writing it several times and the tears won’t allow me. As a family, we have grown significantly in the last few years, but there are still questions and pain that we continually experience.
It is these situations and emotions that fill my eyes with tears and stop my hands on the keyboard. Even so, I want to share this writing with you because there is a truth that I would like to share with you, which is real regardless of your condition or that of someone you love.
Our Blue Adventure
A few years ago, our family began to live what we have called a blue adventure, our son Jonatán Caleb began to show a decline in speech. The beautiful conversations we were beginning to have vanished, being replaced by screams and cries.
After some intense months, full of doubt and pain; They confirmed to us what our hearts feared most. “These are typical behaviors of autism,” said the professional. And at that moment, my heart shattered. The illusions and dreams I had with my boy gone to the floor. My prayers were flooded with tears.
I understood these expressions of the psalmist like never before. The unanswered questions kept me awake. The simplest tasks became a challenge.
The world I knew turned against me and I only heard judgment and guilt:
- “You should have breastfed longer.”
- “You haven’t protected him enough.”
- “Why did you vaccinate him?”
- “Surely, you did something wrong.”
- “this is your fault”
- “you need more faith for God to heal him”
- “How are you going to fix it?”
My complaints against God
Those first few months, the hustle, and bustle of doctor appointments, evaluations, and starting to get to know my son again, exhausted me. But the day came when all the anger, desperation and frustration of such attacks was unleashed against God.
Long months had passed in which I could not utter a single word in my prayers, due to so much pain in my heart. And that day when I was completely collapsed, without tears to dry, I began to complain to God and ask him all the questions I had in store:
- “Why him?”
- “Have I not surrendered enough?”
- “Why do we have to go through this?”
- “We strive to raise a family for your service, and you allow this to happen to us?”
I had not finished my complaining well, when the Spirit of God asked me in my heart: “Am I not Sovereign? Isn’t that how you always describe me?”
I would like to say that I was silent at that moment, but no. On the contrary, I argued and cried with even greater frustration. I thought I had something to prove, but my arguments were interrupted by the memory of Job. So naive me, full of pain, fabricating arguments against the justice and power of God.
The Effect of God’s Sovereignty
In a slow process of several months, I concluded like Job: “But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.” Job 23:13-14
Little by little, the unanswered questions were replaced by trust. I began to assimilate that there was nothing that I or my husband had done or not done; that would change my son’s diagnosis because the Sovereignty of God is not just a description, it is a reality.
I still do not see the entirety of God’s plan, nor do I know what the end of history will be like, but if there is one thing I am sure of, it is this promise:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
During these years in which we have not stopped seeking services for our son, something has been evident. The Lord is placing special people who have blessed us, there are those that Jonatán has strengthened with his smile, and the many people with spiritual need that we have been able to serve.
My son and the Son of God
Yes, sometimes I wish this were just a dream of which I’m about to wake up from. I still don’t understand everything, but the reality is that the work of God in our family, those who have walked with us or have crossed our path, has been evident.
In my most recent time of doubt, as I thought about the dreams I lost about my son to generate others, God pointed me to his Son. His bloody and dead Son on a cross, bearing our sin, facing his wrath.
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32
Reflecting on that truth that God gives us with Christ all things, including pain and the incomprehensible, has given me new strength. As much as what we are going through hurts, let us remember that He suffered the greatest pain, God the Father gave Him to sustain us and give us every blessing.
The Sovereignty of God in your Life
No matter what that situation is that does not fit into your reality, that you think is not fair, that you believe has escaped God’s hands; Whether it is autism, cancer, financial problems, depression, loss of a child or family member, I invite you to rest in the Sovereignty of God.
It is in the most difficult moments of our lives when His sovereignty becomes real. And although we do not understand everything, and we do not have answers to all the questions, we know that He does have them, and they include a future and a hope.
I do not take delight in my son’s condition, and there are still seasons when my bed is filled with tears, but there is a difference from the day of that complaint rant. Today, I long to see how God is glorified through him. Today I know that although nothing makes sense before my eyes, God continues to be seated on his throne.
