When God’s Sovereignty Becomes Real

As we grow in our faith, we learn biblical truths and attributes of God, truths to which we cling by faith. However, there are times when that theological knowledge becomes a lived reality deep in us. This is what has happened to me with understanding God’s Sovereignty.

This writing has been in my draft folder for more than 500 days. I have tried to finish writing it several times, and the tears won’t allow me. As a family, we have grown significantly in our faith in the last few years, but there are still questions and pain that we continually experience.

It is these ongoing situations and emotions that fill my eyes with tears and freeze my hands over the keyboard. Even so, I want to share this story with you because there is a truth about God’s sovereignty that I need to share: a truth which is real regardless of your condition or that of someone you love.

Our Blue Adventure Begins

A few years ago (2014), our family began to live what we have called our blue adventure, our son Jonatán Caleb began to show a significant decline in speech. The beautiful conversations we were beginning to have with our toddler vanished, being replaced by screams and cries that we couldn’t understand or comfort.

After several intense months, months full of doubt and pain; specialists confirmed to us what our hearts feared most. “These are typical behaviors of autism,” the professional told us. And at that moment, my heart shattered. All the hopes and dreams I had envisioned with my boy crashed to the floor. My prayers were immediately flooded with tears.

For the first time, I understood the raw emotion behind these expressions of the psalmist that I had read countless times before. The unanswered questions kept me awake night after night. The simplest daily tasks became overwhelming challenges.

Suddenly, the world I knew felt like it had turned against our family, and it seemed like I only heard judgment and guilt from every direction:

• “You should have breastfed longer.”
• “You haven’t protected him enough.”
• “Why did you vaccinate him?”
• “Surely, you did something wrong.”
• “This is your fault”
• “You need more faith for God to heal him”
• “How are you going to fix this?”

My Desperate complaints against God

Those first few months, filled with the hustle, and bustle of doctor appointments, evaluations, and the painful process of starting to get to know my son again, completely exhausted me. But eventually the day came when all the anger, desperation, and frustration that had been building up was of such attacks was unleashed against God.

Several long months had passed in which I could not utter a single word in my prayers, due to so much pain in my heart. And on that day when I was completely collapsed, without any more tears to cry, I began to complain to God and pour out all the questions I had been storing up:

• “Why him?”
• “Have I not surrendered enough to you?”
• “Why do we have to go through this?”
• “We are striving to raise a family for your service, and you allow this to happen to us?”

I had not even finished my complaining, when the Spirit of God asked me in my heart: “Am I not Sovereign? Isn’t that exactly how you always describe me when others ask?”

I would like to say that I was humbly silent at that moment, but I wasn’t. On the contrary, I argued and cried with even greater frustration. I thought I had valid points to prove, but my arguments were suddenly interrupted by the memory of Job. There I was, so naive, so full of pain, fabricating arguments against the justice and power of God.

The Life-Changing Effect of God’s Sovereignty

In a slow process that took many months, I came to the same conclusion as Job:

“But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.” Job 23:13-14

Little by little, those unanswered questions were replaced by a deep, settled trust. I began to truly assimilate that there was nothing that I or my husband had done or failed to do that would have changed my son’s diagnosis. Because the Sovereignty of God is not just a theological description, it is an unshakable reality.

I still do not see the entirety of God’s plan, nor do I know what the end of our story will be like, but if there is one thing I am absolute sure of, it is this promise:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

During these years in which we have never stopped seeking the best services and support for our son, God’s hand has been unmistakably evident. The Lord has been placing special people in our path who have blessed us. There are countless people that Jonatán has strengthened with his joyful smile, and so many people with spiritual need that we have been able to serve in ways we never could have before.

My son and the Son of God

Yes, sometimes I still wish this were just a nightmare from which I’m about to wake up from. I still don’t understand everything, but the reality is that the work of God in our family, and in the lives of those who have walked with us or have crossed our path, has been undeniably evident.

In my most recent season of doubt, as I grieved the dreams I had lost about my son while trying to embrace new ones, God pointed me to His own Son. His bloody and lifeless Son on a cross, bearing our sin, facing the Father’s wrath for us.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

Reflecting on this profound truth that God gives us in Christ all things, including the grace to endure pain and the incomprehensible, has given me renewed strength. As much as what we are going through hurts, I’m reminded that He suffered the greatest pain. God the Father gave His perfect Son to sustain us and give us spiritual blessing.

The Sovereignty of God in your Life

No matter what situation you’re facing that doesn’t fit into your expected reality—circumstances that seem unfair or that appear to have escaped God’s control—whether it’s autism, cancer, financial crisis, depression, loss of a child or family member. I want to invite you to find rest in the Sovereignty of God.

It is often in the most difficult moments of our lives when His sovereignty stops being just a doctrine and becomes a lived reality that anchors our souls. And although we do not understand everything, and we do not have answers to all of our questions, we know that He absolutely does have them, and His answers include “a future and a hope” for His children.

I do not take delight in my son’s condition, and there are still seasons when my pillow is soaked with tears, but there is a profound difference from the day of that angry complaint session. Today, I eagerly long to see how God will be glorified through Jonatán.

Today I know that although nothing makes sense to my limited understanding, God continues to be firmly seated on his throne —sovereign, loving, and working all things together for our ultimate good.