How to Be a Treasure to Your Husband (Proverbs 31)
In our Smiling at the Future series, we’re studying the principles of the virtuous woman ideal. In this lesson, we’ll focus on the relationship with the husband.
The virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 is not a figure meant to discourage us, but a model that motivates us to grow and become more like Christ. One of her main characteristics is having clear priorities, where God and the fear of the Lord are the supreme priority.
Initial Considerations
When we address topics like marriage, it’s natural to have questions and doubts, since all of us have in one way or another experienced the consequences of sin in these relationships. So I want to remind you that in the Word we learn what God’s design for marriage was before the fall, and it’s that design we should long to restore.
Some questions that may arise as you advance in this class are:
- What if my husband doesn’t share my faith?
- What if he doesn’t fulfill his biblical role?
- That’s not what marriage looks like in reality?
- I’m single, what does this have to do with me?
- What if I’ve experienced divorce?
These concerns are understandable and valid. Our focus in this lesson is to provide a solid foundation based on biblical principles and, as we’ve already mentioned, on God’s design.
Whether you and your husband are believers, or only you, it’s important that we recognize that none of our marriages will reach the ideal this side of eternity. But this is not an excuse to conform to having a marriage like that of unbelievers. Knowing God’s design should encourage us to grow in honoring that design.
If you’re single, use these principles as preparation to lay the foundation for possible relationships and renew your mind regarding what the world tells us versus the principles of the Word.
If your current marital situation is complicated, I invite you to seek help in your local faith community or professionals according to what you need.
Marriage as a Reflection of Christ and the Church
Before continuing with the principles, let’s remember that marriage is a sacred covenant, a divine design to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:25-27).
As wives, our role is fundamental and different from our husbands’. Even when they fail to fulfill their role within marriage, our responsibility is to work on our hearts and begin to resemble that ideal design more.
3 Principles for the Marital Relationship
In Proverbs 31:11-12, we see three principles in the virtuous woman’s marital relationship that should also be part of ours. As we study them, evaluate how each one looks in your reality; pray that the Lord helps both of you grow in the necessary areas.
Trust in Marriage
Proverbs 31:11 indicates that “the heart of her husband trusts in her.” Our marital relationship should have a great degree of trust. And that trust is not earned by your mere abilities, but because your first priority is the fear of the Lord, as we saw in the previous class.
This trust is built on the foundation of a life that fears and rests in the Lord. The first thing we should evaluate is whether we are fully resting in God. The more you depend on God, the more you’ll reflect that peace and confidence to your husband.
Ask yourself: Does your husband trust your financial, household, and child-rearing decisions? These are crucial areas where trust could be lost, but they’re also where we can begin to earn it.
Being a Treasure to Our Husband
He lacks no gain because he has a treasure in his wife; these gains are not only physical but also imply emotional and spiritual gains. We become treasures to our husbands when we understand our role as a suitable helper (Genesis 2:18).
We all exercise influence over our husbands, and we know it, we even know how to use that influence very well. God created us to be a suitable helper, to exercise good influence; not for my benefit or my children’s, but for the good of the family and to bring gain to our husband, motivating his spiritual and personal growth.
How do we do this?
- Pray daily for your husband’s projects and concerns
- Strengthen his leadership by supporting and respecting him, even when there are differences
- Show love to your husband according to his love language
Seeking His Good
Proverbs 31 calls us to seek our husband’s good continually. We achieve this by respecting and honoring his life (Ephesians 5:22-24). We’ll see the impact of this respect in our marital relationship and outside the home, as we’ll see later.
Although we know in theory the importance of respect and even expect it, it seems to me that living in a society very prone to disrespecting other people and using it as entertainment, we must be careful not to fall into the same thing.
It’s so easy to open your favorite social network and in a few minutes see 10 videos of women disrespecting their husbands. The problem is that the more we do it, the more subtly we can fall into those same practices and think they have no effect on our marriage.
I share some questions that I hope will help you evaluate how your actions reflect whether or not you’re respecting your husband:
- How do you speak about your husband when he’s not present?
- Do you only highlight the negative or do you acknowledge his virtues to others?
- Do you consider your husband, believer or not, as someone in need of the gospel and God’s grace?
- Do you encourage and exhort him to grow in his faith and holiness?
By fostering respect, we’ll bring good to our husband’s life, and by basing that respect on the reality that we’re both sinners in need of a Savior and grace for each day, our expectations of our husband will be more realistic.
My Function and God’s
When we talk about respect, we don’t mean hiding our husband’s sins or weaknesses, just as we don’t want to hide our own, but treating them together in a correct way. Recognizing what my role is within marriage and what God’s role is in my husband’s salvation and sanctification.
Ruth Bell Graham once said: “My function is to love and respect Billy; God’s function is to make him good. God didn’t call you to make your husband good, but to make him happy.”
Sister, let’s remember this: our role as a suitable helper is not to save your husband or make him grow in holiness; it’s to be a good influence that directs him to God while we love and respect him. The rest is the Holy Spirit’s work; let’s also rest fully in God in this.
Known at the City Gates
The virtuous woman model is an invitation to reverence God, positively impacting our relationships. Let’s recognize that transformation is a divine work in us and in our husbands, while we submit to our role with joy and reverence.
We read in Proverbs 31:23 that our fostering these principles in our marriage will not only have an effect on the couple but also outside. Our husband will be able to go out to the city gates; in his work, in his service, in the local church, etc.; and fulfill his other roles and callings.
In 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, Paul speaks to the Corinthians about the difference between being married or single and devotion to the Lord. Recognizing that the unmarried person has fewer concerns, the virtuous woman ideal teaches us that we have much influence in diminishing those concerns so that our husbands can fulfill their roles.
If like me you’re a pastor’s wife, it’s important to remember that before fulfilling all the expectations of this role, we should focus on being a treasure to our husband, as we’ve seen in this lesson.
Smiling at the Future
As we study these principles, I hope that like me you’ve been able to identify areas where you can grow. I invite you to take time to pray and present your desires and challenges to the Lord, asking Him to help you be a better wife and reflect His love and glory in your married life.
May we smile at the future knowing that God cares for our marriages and has given us the tools in His Word and with His Holy Spirit to begin or continue restoring His design. In the next lesson, we’ll address the relationship with children and principles about child-rearing according to the virtuous woman model.
